


Your Shelter

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 05:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14635272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: There had been a time when he had never thought possible smiling under such circumstances.There had been a time, months before, when he had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror without getting sick.It had been after the first time he and Yuto had ended up in bed together.





	Your Shelter

Hikaru looked outside the window.

He looked melancholic, and he wished he could’ve pretended he didn’t know why.

But he couldn’t go on like that, not for long.

Yuto, in the yard with their dog, was laughing.

And the elder smiled with him, but it was a sad smile.

His brother had always been of a cheerful nature. Always ready to get the best from every situation, always ready to make it seem like everything was fine, even those moments when Hikaru felt he couldn’t take it, not alone.

At times, it felt like Yuto was the eldest between the two of them. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t have his limits too, that there weren’t moments where even he wavered.

He saw him raise his eyes and stare at him, nodding him to get outside.

Hikaru hesitated for only a moment, before nodding and reaching him.

“What were you doing, Hikka?” he asked, walking toward him and putting an arm around his waist.

Hikaru shivered at the contact with his skin.

He thought he gotten used to that by now.

He thought it would’ve become less hard, but he had had to surrender in front of the fact that it wasn’t like that.

But he didn’t mind too much.

Feeling like that whenever his brother was too close was something that made him feel like a girl at her first crush; but, at the same time, he liked the way Yuto managed to make everything seem new, different, as if every time he touched him was the first ever.

He smiled, shrugging.

I was watching you.” he replied, simply. “Can’t I?” he teased, softly pinching his hip.

Yuto looked mischievous, leaning over until his mouth was close to the elder’s ear.

“You can watch me as much as you like, you know that.” he murmured, kissing his cheek.

Hikaru pulled away, blushing and looking around, concerned.

“Yu! How many times have I told you to be careful with things like that?” he scolded him, bringing a hand to his face as if the feeling of his lips was burning.

The younger frowned, but then he shrugged.

“Mom and dad are at work, and they won’t be back till later tonight. I don’t see what we should worry about.” he replied, while the other sighed.

“Of the others, Yuto. You know that when we’re out we’ve got to avoid any... ambiguity.” he said, biting on his lip.

Then Yuto, without any warning, grabbed his wrist, pulling him toward the front door.

Once they were inside he pushed the elder against the door, leaning over him to kiss his lips violently, provoking him, challenging him to scold him again, to have him say that he didn’t want this as much as him.

And Hikaru wasn’t going to pretend it wasn’t like that.

He let the younger kiss him for a while, before taking the initiative.

He brought his hand to his hips, pulling his shirt up and touching the bare skin, continuously, as if he couldn’t get enough of it. He pushed him, freeing himself from the door behind him, never removing his lips from the younger’s, and led him to the couch, letting him fall on it and just then parting from him, for them both to smile.

There had been a time when he had never thought possible smiling under such circumstances.

There had been a time, months before, when he had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror without getting sick.

It had been after the first time he and Yuto had ended up in bed together.

It had been when he kept thinking to be disgusting, all the time, when he couldn’t look his brother in the eyes, thinking about what he had done, thinking of how against the nature it was, how wrong.

When he had felt like he had betrayed his trust, because even though Yuto was sixteen already, he was far from being a man able to choose what he really wanted.

He didn’t deserve the name of man either with his eighteen years, but he was still the older brother.

He should’ve defended him. He should’ve protected him.

He shouldn’t have been the danger he needed protection from.

When at school he saw others resting their eyes on him, he had always felt a weird pain in his chest.

Jealousy, of course.

But he had always misinterpreted that. He was convinced he was jealous of those eyes on his brother because he was still a child to him, because he thought he deserved better than being the object of the sexual desire of people looking at him almost by mistake.

Then he had realized where his jealousy came from, and in that exact moment he had wanted to die.

He had actually thought about it.

He had found himself night after night closed in the bathroom, staring endlessly at the drugs his mother took to sleep, wishing he had the courage to do it.

To die. To uproot that unhealthy desire from his heart.

That time had passed.

One day, Yuto had grabbed him, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

He had said he loved him.

And it was like every doubt had cleared from Hikaru’s mind, as if nothing else mattered.

Why should they keep apart, if they loved each other?

Why should he feel a monster, when what he felt seemed to be so simple, when it made him feel so good?

And so he had given up on that kind of thoughts, determined to take things as they came and go on with that relationship, as unhealthy as it was, because it made them both happy.

Looking at Yuto under him, right now, he couldn’t think that his choice was the wrong one.

He leant over him, kissing him in a rush and taking his shirt off of him, never getting tired of the contact with that warm skin, those soft lips shaping against his own, that tongue searching him, impatient, while their legs intertwined and their desire started to show.

Hikaru went with his mouth to his brother’s neck, slightly biting his collarbone, careful not to leave visible marks, and moving even lower, under the ribcage, alongside his navel, until he met his slacks.

He started taking them off quickly, but he felt Yuto’s hand on his arm, stopping him.

“Can we go to the bedroom, Hikka?” he asked, trying to sound persuasive.

Hikaru always complied with this apparent fixation of not wanting to have sex in places that weren’t a bed, but that day he didn’t want to cave.

He wanted him. Right now, on that couch, this very moment.

And, he knew it, Yuto wasn’t going to complain much about his refusal.

He was turned on enough to learn to settle.

“I’m sorry, Yu. I don’t think I can resist a flight of stairs.” he said, smiling coyly and at the same time feigning sorrow, then he went back taking his clothes off, brushing his cock with the back of his hand, lingering on the head, wrapping his fist around it, while his mouth teased the rest of the shaft, kissing and licking it, taking his time.

Because they never had that.

Because they always had to hide, and find for themselves minutes away from everything and everybody, and those rare times they managed that Hikaru always tried to get the best out of it, to drive his brother crazier than the last time, because he wanted him to remember every single time they had sex.

He kept moving his hand on him, while his mouth moved lower on his opening and his tongue started drawing circles on it before pushing in, slowly.

Hikaru knew that it was something that bothered Yuto, that made him feel uncomfortable, but he was also aware that it took him very little to overcome the embarrassment and enjoy it, softly moaning his name, thrusting his hips toward him and his mouth, wanting more.

The elder added a finger to his tongue, starting to prepare him, then two, never stopping stroking him, in order to distract him.

He went on for a while, until he saw Yuto raise his head to look at him, sweaty and dead serious.

“Hikka... that’s alright.” he said, panting slightly.

The other nodded briefly, getting rid of his clothes and going back on top of him, taking his leg and bringing it around his waist, pressing his cock against him.

He pushed in slowly, trying not to make him feel too much pain, and once he was wholly inside he had to restrain himself from starting to move, giving him time to adjust.

And he needed that too.

Still, after the past few months, he felt he could’ve lost control when he felt that heat envelope him, when he saw that expression torn between pain and pleasure, when he felt his hands grabbing his hips, as to say he could start moving.

And he did.

After the first controlled thrusts, he lost himself inside that scorching hot body, starting to sink deep inside of him, harder and harder, trying not to close his eyes and keep watching that face twisted by pleasure.

After a while he brought his hand back on the younger’s cock, while he tried to hit that spot inside of him that made Yuto scream his name, loud, and Hikaru relished hearing his voice, hearing his name called with a voice filled only with arousal.

It didn’t take him long to make him come in his hands, and after a few more thrusts he climaxed as well, spilling inside of him.

They kept still for a few moments, basking in the sound of their heavy breathing.

Then the elder pulled out of him, slowly, trying not to hurt him.

He always tried not to.

He tried to make him feel pleasure and nothing else, he tried to make him like these moments, one by one, he tried to be for him something he could be happy for.

And the mere thought that he could’ve failed this task, was enough to drive him crazy.

He got back on his feet, getting dressed and staying there to look at him, who had stayed on the couch, an unreadable look on his face.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, absorbed, sitting on the floor next to the couch and brushing his forehead.

Yuto shrugged, slightly frowning.

“Nothing. I was thinking about... how are we going to see each other once you’ll be gone. How can we be like this.” he replied, and it seemed to Hikaru like he was trying his hardest not to cry.

The elder felt sick, all of a sudden.

Physically.

He didn’t like to think about that.

He didn’t like it when Yuto brought that up, so he usually tried to ignore him or reassure him with empty words, that neither of them believed.

“Don’t worry, Yu. I’m sure we’re going to find a solution. You can come visit, and I’ll be home for the holidays, so...”

“Stop!” the other interrupted him, sitting up and staring into space, his back turned on him. “Stop lying to me, please. Stop trying to protect me, when you can’t.” Hikaru heard his voice tremble and closed his eyes briefly, sighing.

He knelt, getting behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his head against his back, listening to him breathing.

A little over a week, and he was going to move.

He was going to Tokyo. To Meiji, to study engineering.

When he had found out he had gotten in, he remember he had never felt so happy.

Thinking about how he felt now, it seemed weird.

Two hundred miles away from Sendai.

Two hundred miles away from him.

He hugged him tight.

“I’m sorry, Yutti.” he whispered, calling him with the pet name he had for him when they were kids. “I truly am. I... I wish there was a solution. But...” he took a deep breath, knowing how much it cost him to say those words. “But you’ll get used to it, you’ll see. You’ll be here with your friends, right? And I’m sure that in a while you won’t even think about the fact that I’m not here.” he murmured, softly, as if he hated to believe those words.

Yuto jumped up and looked at him, almost disgusted.

“Do you really think so, Hikaru?” he hissed, trying not to yell. “Do you really think I’ll forget about you so easily? Do you really think it’ll be so easy to get used to the fact that you...” he hesitated, frowning. “that you won’t be here?” he added, his voice shivering. “That I won’t be able to just come in your room when I’ll feel like being with you? That I won’t be able to get into your bed when I won’t want to be alone? That I won’t have you around, reminding me you’re here, that you’re mine, and that there’s nothing that can come between us?” he added, and Hikaru had to appeal to all his strength to ignore the tears that had started running down the younger’s face.

He got up slowly, sitting in front of him and bringing his hands to his waist, caressing him, wanting to soothe him.

He had never spoken so frankly.

He had never said something like that to him.

Yuto had always pretended things were fine between them, never expressing how he felt, not after that one time he had told him he loved him.

Yuto ignored problems, and those seemed to disappear on their own.

The fact that he had now chosen to face them scared Hikaru a little, but he wasn’t going to show that fear to his brother.

He kissed him, more tenderly than he had before.

And then they stayed there. Holding each other tight, not wanting to let go, taking advantage of that moment they had alone, far from other people’s eyes, eyes that would’ve judged them, that wouldn’t have seen what was behind their hugs, their almost unhealthy closeness.

Hikaru rested his head in the crook of Yuto’s neck, inhaling his scent, trying to burn it into his mind, even though he knew already he was never going to forget it.

There was just one thing he was sure about.

Not once, during all those months, had he regretted having born into the same family as him, to share his blood.

Yuto was his brother, and he couldn’t have desired for more.

He was his brother, and he loved him.

 

~

 

Hikaru looked outside the window.

It was sunny.

He smiled, thinking about Yuto’s words the day him and their parents had accompanied him to Tokyo.

“ _Well, at least here in Tokyo you won’t risk drowning from the rain.”_

It was an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, but Hikaru hadn’t bitten.

He was glad he was trying to laugh about it, but he wasn’t so at ease as to allow himself that.

He had waited for his parents to leave, saying that they were going to wait for the younger one in the car, and then he had hugged him, kissing him, almost hurting him.

Then he had pressed his forehead against his, staring deep into his eyes.

_“I’d rather have a rainy day with you than see the sunshine alone*.”_

It had been there that they had looked at each other and had burst out crying.

Without qualms, without shame, because it was pointless.

Hikaru sighed.

He hated that sun.

He really wished it would’ve rained, he wished there hadn’t been all that light.

He didn’t find that it suited his mood.

He thought about the call they had had the previous day, and sighed again.

_“Yuto... we’ve got to talk.”_

It had been two months.

Two months since he had last seen him.

Two months he had spent thinking about him, day after day and night after night, wishing he was there, that he could’ve touched him, have him whenever and however he wanted.

But even worse than that desire that wasn’t going to be fulfilled, it was hearing from him every day, hearing his voice always sadder, always more anxious at the thought of their distance.

Hikaru heard his apathy and his pain, even though the younger did his best to hide it, and so he had made up his mind.

It hadn’t been easy.

_“I’ve met someone, Yu. A guy. I like him a lot.”_

Yuto’s cry, his insults, his denial, were still burned in his mind.

He heard his voice echoing in his ears, and he tried to keep that tone out of his thoughts, to imagine those moments in Sendai, when his brother sneaked into his bed at night and they stayed awake, talking, even for hours, always careful not to fall asleep and avoid something that they wouldn’t have been able to explain to their parents the next morning.

_“I’m sorry, Yuto, it’s been a mistake. After all, you’re just my brother.”_

Hikaru felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Saying those words had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do in his whole life.

Having him believe those hadn’t been much better.

And now he was there, sitting at the window, looking at the sun he hated, managing to think only about all he was never going to have with Yuto.

He should’ve known from the beginning that their story wasn’t going to get a happy ending.

He should’ve imagined that their happiness was going to be ephemeral.

He should’ve thought about that before falling in love, before hurting himself and his brother, in the attempt to protect him.

There was no such thing as a future, not for them.

They weren’t going to get their share of happiness like they had amused themselves thinking, because it wasn’t natural for it to happen.

Because, Hikaru hated himself even more at the thought, he could only be his brother.

And he would’ve remembered those moments spent together, the taste of his skin and the texture of his hands, just like a nice dream from which he had been forced to wake up.

He wasn’t going to touch his brother ever again.

And he was sure he had brought him to loathe him so much that Yuto was never going to talk to him again, to watch him even, as to not remind to himself how disgusted he was with that brother who, to his eyes, had betrayed him.

And it was what Hikaru wanted.

That hatred would’ve been for him a better shelter than a love that had no right to exist.

And he would’ve settled with knowing the truth in his heart.

He loved Yuto, and he was never stopped loving him.

He looked at the sky, seeing one solitary cloud moved by the wind toward the sun, as if it was intentioned to darken it.

He just wished it would’ve rushed it. He didn’t deserve that sun, he didn’t want it.

Not if he couldn’t have Yuto by his side, during that wonderful day.

 

 

 

 

*Yes, yes, it’s Seasons, it’s Akanishi. Kill me now.


End file.
